Crisis on Infinite HerbiesPosted: April 11, 2012
So you’re all basically aware of Herbie Popnecker, right?
Did you know he started the trend of epic superhero crossover battles a full 20 years before DC decided to horn in on the action?
It all starts with one sinister, metatextual mad scientist named Roderick…
I think every failed self-published superhero series was born out of that exact chain of logic. Anyway, he goes off and invents a machine that makes superheroes, because in the Herbieverse all it takes to create sentient life from nothing is a trip to the hardware store and a weekend of hammering random things together.
Naturally it can only crank out horrifying abominations and misshapen parodies of God’s creation.
HALF MY BODY IS TRAPPED IN A HELLISH VOID DIMENSION vs MY HEAD IS A FOOD PRODUCT, which is worse? Wonder how long it takes for Pizzaman’s head to become soggy and collapse in on itself. These terrifying distortions of everything that is human embark on a crime wave which includes stealing a diaper (which is labeled DIAPER) from a baby, a beard from a Santa Claus (possibly the enchanted beard of the True Claus?) and also drinking a lady’s soda. That was back when soda was serious business.
Thus the call is sent forth across the multiverse! WORLDS WILL LIVE, WORLDS WILL DIE, AND NOTHING WILL BE THE SAME! I assume this is a metaphor, right? They don’t actually live inside of giant versions of their own comic books? And why does Nemesis have an hourglass on his shirt? Did he buy it at the used costume store? Was he not wearing a shirt when the call came and he had to borrow some other hero’s shirt? SO MANY QUESTIONS
Long story short, they show up at the evil Roderick’s house to put a stop to his teratomorphic army and manage to get their asses captured and frozen in about a minute. Looks like somebody will have to save them, but WHO WILL ANSWER THE CHALLENGE?
YOU JUST MESSED WITH THE WRONG SOAP, PAL. Yes, that is the legendary patriarch of the Popnecker family, who commands the fierce loyalty of the indomitable Herbie Popnecker. Herbie wastes zero time in getting into his superhero identity as the Fat Fury, and frees Nemesis and Magicman from their icy prison. Naturally they mistake him for a bad guy and they fight, because that’s just what superheroes do.
After they work things out they make short work of the pitiful half-men who didn’t know any better.
Don’t worry, Halfman is used to pain. He lives in a state of constant agony. And oh, if only you could see what his other half sees, stuck in an unimaginable nightmare dimension. Oh, such wonderful horrors he could show you…
No-one can escape Herbie, even when he’s covered in marshmallow. LA LA LA FREE FREE FREE all you want, pal.
No, wait, they… do… live in giant versions of their own comic books? Which stand in the middle of featureless wastelands? They live in comic books inside comic books, people, this is some advanced hyperdimensional shit. And that’s the story of how Herbie saved the multiverse, and that’s why all superhero comics now take place on Earth-H.